i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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