"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Can Purell be used as lube?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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