I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
