I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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