I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
