My sheets look like a crime scene.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
