Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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