Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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