I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
