Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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