I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
