you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
