Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
