It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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