Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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