so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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