If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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