I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
