i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Someone signed my nipple.
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