You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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