The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Randomize
