you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
