dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
