Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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