his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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