youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
