Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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