Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
