Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
