pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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