I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
