how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
