First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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