If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
