I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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