Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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