She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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