today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
