Swine flu. Run for my life!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
