I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
