did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
