someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
