I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
