my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
