i would punch a child for taco bell
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
