My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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