I hate all girls vehemently.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
