the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
