We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
