ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
