I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
